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My Mother, The Stranger

My mother and I have never been so close. We have never had that bond a mother and daughter should have, she has always treated me as her friend rather than her daughter, sometimes as her assistant to run her errands, pay her bills call the bank on her behalf amongst other things she require from me, as if I don't have a life of my own, my own bills to pay, my own children to take care of, not that she ever bother offering to look after them. I have always recented my relationship with my mother. You see she never raised me, my father's sister raised me. My mother left me when I was 7 months old to pursue a job in England, not a career but a job that she and my father had found and so they left me and I grew up without them. I knew of them, but did not care much whether they were my parents. So pretty much that relationship was never really there, my father and I are ok we're closer than my mother. I have always tried to get close with her, but always seem to get pushed out of the way.
I have always tried to talk to her and tell her how I feel but it always backed fired on me so I never tried again, she thinks we're ok but deep down inside of me I know we're not.
I love my mum, don't get me wrong, its just that I wish she could be proud of me and acknowledge sometimes that I am her daughter and only daughter. Even my daughter, her grand daughter, she's not close to. If she couldn't get close to me the least she could do was to get close to her grand daughter, but that is even worst.
There are so many things I need to her, but I can't, not that I can't I couldn't simply because she would criticise and judge me like she always do. I always long to have that mother daughter relationship, but from the looks of it that will never be, the only consolation is that my relationship with my own daughter is far more better than my mother and I.

My Girls

My daughter Hannah bought me the book over a year ago for mothers day but i have just got around to reading it. It reminded me through every page just how much my own four daughters mean to me and how so very lucky i am to have them. Oh yes they drive me mad with their constant arguing and presumptions that my only job in life is to be their taxi driver but they are without any doubt the reason i wake up every day they inspire me to be a better person and have filled my heart and soul with more love and joy than i ever felt possible. So Laila, Hannah, Sophia and Annisa thank you for making my life so meaningfull i love you all.

I've just finished reading Things I want my Daughters to Know and had an immediate urge to speak to my mum. So I text her and told her how much I loved her. I thought she would think I was being silly, or at least think it a bit out of the ordinary, but she simply text back saying:
"I love and miss u more than u think. might not show it always xxxx"
That means a lot to me. We've always been incredibly close, more like sisters than mother and daughter, so it was a bit shock for me when I went to uni in september. But the funny thing was, I didn't miss her as much as I thought I would. I was busy with my exciting new life and didn't consider that she might be missing me as much as she was. Luckily, she has her partner, and I know she will always be happy with him. But reading this book and even contemplating the fact that she won't be here forever made me feel suddenly scared and alone. Her own mum died before I was born and I'm so proud that she has brought me up without having a mum to turn to for support. I just hope she is with me long enough to bring up my own children. I think the love between a mother and her daughter is the strongest, purest love possible and is something that doesn't need explaining. So all i need to say is this:
I love you mum.

love,pain,loss, regret,acceptance

My story begins in 2002 when I went through a divorce of a 9 year marriage which produced 3 beautiful children. The divorce shattered me and I fell to severe depression which contributed to be signing papers I thought were joint custody. I was actually signing custody of my children to my ex and he immediately moved in his 19 year old girlfriend, took the kids to another state and kept my childen from me for 2 years. I pulled myself together, fought, and he was found guilty of contempt, but this was not enough to change custody. I have had to overcome amazing odds and have had to accept going to a 24 year old, who claimes my kids as her own, to know what is going on w/ my kids! I hurt every day and often wonder if my kids will ever know how much I love them.